“It's ok to cry. His currency is tears.”
Matthew 16:24-26 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
I received the above text and scripture in an email newsletter today. Or should I say, I received it a few (5 to be exact) days ago. You see, keeping up in life feels like a job sometimes. And sometimes God’s timing - wait - ALL THE TIME - God’s timing is perfect. Although it does not always fit in my perfect expectation, He knows.
This afternoon, as I sat in my counselor’s office, I cried. I cried a lot. We discussed some hard things today. Some hard things that in my heart, I know I needed to get out, and some hard things that I need to work through. And it was good, although it felt tragic.
After the appointment, I had high expectations about how my day would go. I would drive to a trendy little coffee shop, in a cute little downtown area, I would get out my bag of goodies, grab a little coffee drink, and I would be productive in all the things I need to or want to do. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I drove to the downtown area, in a massive 4 door diesel truck and circled downtown, trying to find a place to park that would not scare me too much. I parked and then I sat. I decided I didn’t feel comfortable in that spot. What if someone blocked me in, what if I couldn’t get out, what if…? Blah the thoughts.
So I did what any normal person would do, right? I drove away - miles away - to another coffee shop. One where I knew the parking lot, and where I knew the truck would be comfortable, and I would be comfortable in the truck. Got her all situated, ready to go in and go about my day, but I didn’t.
Instead, I sat in the parking lot, numbing out to social media, listening to worship music and longing for my bed. Longing to crawl inside my bed and get so deep under the covers that I wouldn’t have to face all the stuff that talked about today. That I wouldn’t have to face my life. That I wouldn’t have to face my discouragement. That I wouldn’t have to face my work, my chores, my emotions...all the things!
I sat there trying to reorganize my day. To make it safer. To talk myself out of the things that I wanted to do, or thought would be good, would be fun, would make me feel better. It’s sort of a funny list:
Get my haircut - if I could just get a new do, I would feel better.
Go home and crawl in bed, covers, comfort, sleep away the pain.
Go home and do the dishes, clean, organize, control.
Go to the gym and work out - that’s not my norm, but it would feel good.
Eat ice cream - what place could I think of that had the most amazing ice cream, and could I just have a little bit?
Go drink wine...just one glass, because it is the middle of the afternoon and I'm a free lady for the day, screw the real world and commitments.
Go to a spa - you know, because I am rich and could just go put on a robe and let people massage me all day and think of nothing. Just sit and sip cucumber water and relax.
Y’all!!!! I sat and sat and sat and sat and I finally, I saw a meme that said “Do one thing today that scares you” - and I said to myself, going into this coffee shop scares me. So I shut off the engine, before I could think, and grabbed my bag and I went in. I DID IT! And, I got some sort of new fancy nitro coffee drink and even sat down and started going through email and trying to be productive. It led me here:
The message - “It's ok to cry. His currency is tears.” - let me know I was doing what needed to be done earlier, I was letting out some tears. It let me know that the exhaustion of those tears was worth it, the red eyes, the tired looking mom face I now have, it was worth it. The Lord is not disappointed in me for crying. He’s not disappointed in me, knowing that the thing I feared today (and overcame) was getting out of my car.
And the verse, the verse spoke to me…
For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
For I feel and I’m mourning the loss of my soul...
The hard things I had to face today, is that I have given up on me. On who I am. To the point, that I don’t know how to get her back. Thoughts of knowing that I am to live sacrificially, but at the same time, God created this being, not to be lost, but to be found in Him. And I spend so much time in Him and it has kept me safe, it has kept me sane! But He’s also calling me out. He's calling me out to be who He made me to be and to not give up on that. And it’s hard! It’s SO hard when you don’t know where to start and you don’t know where to turn.
So here I am, writing. I’ve always felt so much better after getting my thoughts out. Whether it’s writing in my journal, whether it’s typing it out here. It’s out. It’s out. It’s out. Lord, get it out, all the angst, all the anxiety.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to exchange my soul for something valuable now, I don’t seek fame, I don’t seek fortune, I seek wholeness. To know I am made whole in Christ, which is truth, but to feel that through the life I live and the people I serve. It’s my prayer.
And I know that people may think this is just a phase and that I’m overthinking it, that it’s probably because I’ve been home with my daughter and all moms go through this. But it’s more. There’s more to it and those who know me, they know...it’s been a battlefield. But I’m taking the next step and I’m trying, I’m trying to do things that will keep me going in the same direction. And to know the tears, the fears and the small successes, like getting out of the car, they all help.
As always, I pray this testimony helps someone else, I’m not sharing for pity, but for transparency. The saying “the struggle is real,” is tossed around all the time, but I just have to say “ain’t it the truth?”
Written 9/17/19